Thursday, April 30, 2009

It Is a Vital Bodily Function


You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: well, now, what do we have here?
Stranger: hello..
You: hello!
You: I suspected as much!
Stranger: how are you doing?
You: I am still breathing, thankfully
You: and you?
Stranger: im breathing also
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

OMG I'M LATE!!!


You: ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZ
Stranger: RING RING RING RING
You: OMG!
You: YOU WOKE ME!!!
Stranger: haha
Stranger: sorry dude your late for work GET THE FUCK UP NOW!!!!
You: AHHHH
You: LEMME GET DRESSED!!!
Stranger: GOGOGO
You: WHERE"S MY PANTS!?
You: I GOTTA FIND MY PANTS!
Stranger: JESUS WHERE YOU ALWAYS LEAVE THEM IN THE BATHROOM !!!
You: AHHHH!!!
You: OH MY GOD, LOOOOOK AT MY HAIR!
You: OH 4GET IT!
Stranger: TO LATE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT NOW
You: I KNOW!!!
Stranger: SHIT AT LEAST HAVE A PIECE OF TOAST BEFORE YOU GO
You: OMG THANX
You: WHERES THE BUTTER!
You: I NEED BUTTER!!!
Stranger: BUTTER IS DONE, I FORGOT TO GO TO THE SHOPS LAST NIGHT
You: DAMN
You: OH GIMME THE TOAST!
Stranger: YOUR NOT GOING TO EAT IT DRY ARE YOU?
You: NO
You: GIMME THE JAM!
Stranger: STRAWBERRY OR RASPBERRY?
You: RASPBERRY!!!
Stranger: OK
You: THANXXXXXX
You: ITS SOOO GOOD!!!
You: OMG IM LATE!!!
You: I GOTTA GO, WHERE'S MY KISS!?!?!
Stranger: NO PROBLEM, DON'T DRIVE TO FAST
Stranger: **KISSES**
Stranger: LET ME KNOW IF YOU WILL BE HOME FOR DINNER
You: I WILL!!!
You: BYE!!!
Stranger: BYE BYE DEAR

I am not a Chigga!!!


Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hey
You: jai ho!
Stranger: wat the fuck does that mean?
Stranger: jiaho???
Stranger: jai ho?
You: it's like hey girl hey
Stranger: i am chinese and we are taking over the world
You: word
Stranger: so you barking at the wrong nigga
You: chinese nigga?
You: chigga?
Stranger: i am not chigga
Stranger: but just use that word
You: say what?
Stranger: all colored people can use nigga
Stranger: to call them selves
Stranger: but if whites use it, then it is racism
You: i dont think chinese are considered people of color?
Stranger: we aint? we asians and we yellow
You: white's a color
Stranger: like the spics are brown
You: spics? haven't heard that one
Stranger: whites are caucasians
You: hmmm spics....
Stranger: where you from?
You: around here
Stranger: seems that you aint familiar with all the racial slurs
Stranger: around here means?
You: if i were a spic....i'd be from poland?
Stranger: no..
Stranger: you would be spanish
Stranger: south american
Stranger: mexicano
You: crazy
Stranger: polish is aryan.. you are white
You: so like all asians are japs or what?
Stranger: asians are japanese koreans chinese vietnamese
Stranger: thai
Stranger: and indonasians
Stranger: singaporeans
You: but like south america is a huge place and they only have one name....spics
You: so im going to say all of asia are japs
You: or chinks....your choice?
Stranger: chinks are the suitable term for me
You: ok, want to be sensitive with my slurs
Stranger: but spanish fucked around in s america
You: ummm west side?
Stranger: thats why they are more or less spics
You: because they fucked around?
You: what does that mean...spic?
Stranger: yes
Stranger: when you look at s america
Stranger: most of them are mixed races of indian, locals and spanish
You: i think china and the moguls fucked around heaps in europe too
You: are chinese spics too?
Stranger: nope..
Stranger: china is racially quite homogenous
Stranger: chinese in china
Stranger: those chinese lookalike russians are tata i tthink?
Stranger: not sure
You: but like didnt the moguls or whatever theyre called....ghengis khan and all that.....werent they like fucking shit up in europe for quiet a while?
You: so by your definition chinese are spics
Stranger: i see. khan comes and go.
Stranger: never got that deep like spanish in s america
Stranger: spreading religion and stuff
Stranger: is europeans still catholics or they admiring mongolian god?
Stranger: or protestant
You: oh i dunno?
You: tell me
Stranger: tell you what?
Stranger: i have told you all about it
You: about mongolian religion in europe
Stranger: there is no mongolian religion in EU
Stranger: period
You: oh?
Stranger: but see wats the religion in s america?
Stranger: so i said , khan comes and go
Stranger: never made a cultural economic political impact on EU
Stranger: he doesnt really affect the racial stuff in EU too
You: oh...what do you mean..what's the religion there?
You: in s america?
Stranger: mostly catholics i believe
You: oh?
You: i thought spanish were muslim?
Stranger: which part of world you from?
You: africa
Stranger: where at?
You: lesotho
Stranger: spanish are mostly muslim
You: i thought they were catholic?
Stranger: yes
Stranger: they are catholic
Stranger: so you from south africa?
Stranger: honestly i dont know where the hell lesotho
You: chigger!
Stranger: i am not chigger
Stranger: lol
You: what are you then?
Stranger: chinese
Stranger: wat are you then?
Stranger: whites in sa?
Stranger: or the real nigga in sa
You: both
Stranger: so you mixed
Stranger: http://feastofhateandfear.com/articles/from_aye.html
Stranger: check this
Stranger: learn the proper lingo
Stranger: haha
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Probing... The Final Frontier



You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Helllllllllllllllllllllllllllo
Stranger: HELLOO THAR
Stranger: :D
You: WHERE YA FROM!?!?!
Stranger: SPACE
Stranger: YOU?
You: Earth!
You: Greetings!
Stranger: THANK YOUI
Stranger: THE FIRST KIND EARTHLING ^_^
You: Ahhh thank you!
Stranger: Everyone is fucking crazzy man!
You: I know!!!!
Stranger: Run away when i get my anal probing gear out :(
You: Awwww
You: That's sad :o(
Stranger: Indeed.
You: Its for their own good!
Stranger: No
Stranger: You see thats the problem
You: Well, for yours!
Stranger: Everyone thinks anal probing is very scary and it hurts
Stranger: But it's not
Stranger: It's a slight prick
Stranger: And your good to go!
You: Why do you do it?
Stranger: Unless youi wanna stay fopr tea
Stranger: To test for aids
Stranger: We dnt want no STD'z on our ship kthnx
You: Ahhhh
Stranger: You see?
Stranger: We do not want to harm you
Stranger: We just want to say HAI !
Stranger: ^_^
You: But did you know... we have rapid tests here, that dont include probing?
Stranger: Yes. I know this. I looked at it on wikipedia
You: Hahaha...
Stranger: I see that these tests are not sufficient enough to find aids
You: True :o(
Stranger: Yep.
You: But how so with the rear?
Stranger: Easier.
Stranger: : D
You: ok...
Stranger: Yeah
Stranger: I'll show you some time
Stranger: Wanna come back to my ship? ; )
You: Ahh
You: I get probed alllllllllllll the time
Stranger: No probing
Stranger: I see you have no aids
You: Ahh
You: What does your ship look like!?
Stranger: Like a giant burger
You: Ahhh...
You: A flying burger... like in Austin Powers, his big boy!
Stranger: Tastes like one too
Stranger: YE
Stranger: I LOVE THAT MOVIE
You: So you floated through space like him?
Stranger: Doctor evil is teh best
Stranger: Yep.
Stranger: We met up once
Stranger: Had a few beers
You: He get probed?
Stranger: Nah
Stranger: He let me molest his bald head if i didnt probe him
You: Ahh ok
You: You like to touch...
Stranger: Bald heads
Stranger: Yes
You: Its like a probe, no?
Stranger: So smoooth
Stranger: ...No
You: ok, then it is like?
Stranger: I'm sorry i have to go
Stranger: My ship is leaving
You: Have fun in outer space!
Stranger: I will
You: Good luck with the probing!?
Stranger: Have fun on earth
Stranger: tomato
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I Am What You Might Call, "High Maintenance"



You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: hi
You: heloo
Stranger: what up?
You: oh, stuff and stuff
You: and how are you?
Stranger: meh
You: meh?
You: that will never do
Stranger: i know
You: what can I do to help
Stranger: depends
You: don't have any, sorry :(
You: anything else?
Stranger: ha never heard that before
Stranger: sex. lots and lots of sex
You: that may be difficult
Stranger: says who
You: me I require many things to get me in the mood
Stranger: :-\
You: a set of sheets made from north african snow tiger
You: a large tub of miracle whip
Stranger: 0_o
You: seven diamond encrusted french horns
You: yes, I told you it would be difficult
Stranger: i hate everyone of those
You: then this will never work
Stranger: aw
Stranger: bummer
You: better luck with your next random stranger!
You have disconnected.

Do you mean Gilgamesh?


You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: GIRUGAMESH
You: I like spandex
Stranger: GIRUGAMESH
You: mesh is kinda weird, really
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Poor Ugly Ponies



You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: never gona give you up
You: never gonna let ou down
Stranger: omg
Stranger: your my hero
You: and you are mine
You: small world!
Stranger: yes indeed
You: how about that pony, huh?
Stranger: oh
Stranger: i have a purple pony
Stranger: its name is greg
You: is it a pretty purple pony?
Stranger: it drinks balies from a show
Stranger: yess
Stranger: Shoe*
You: good, I hate the ugly ones
Stranger: yeah
You: carmel balies?
Stranger: i had to give this one plastic surgery
You: that's my favorite too
You: but it depends on the shoe
Stranger: yes
Stranger: fishing shoes get the job done.
You: yes, it's simply inhumane to not get your pony's ugly fixed
You: fishing shoes with buckles
You: I had a pony named bucky once, true story
Stranger: oh really
Stranger: i plan on getting a new pony
You: he had blue spots and a red saddle
You: what's going to happen to greg?
Stranger: :O
Stranger: did you get other ponys to ride him.
You: no he was too little
Stranger: awe
You: but I need to know what will happen to greg
Stranger: whatta shame.
You: you can't just thrown him out after all he's done for you
Stranger: hes still growing
Stranger: he has a green hat
You: he'll grow into a beautiful maiden someday
You: and then I will marry greg
You: and his green hat
Stranger: only god know.
Stranger: knows*
Stranger: oh
Stranger: joy
Stranger: and i will attend the wedding
You: and then we will do the dance of joy
Stranger: yes
Stranger: and then you and greg will have little pony babys
You: with little green hats
Stranger: yes
Stranger: oh the joy
You: happy happy joy joy joy!
Stranger: yess
Stranger: well
Stranger: i must be off to raise greg
Stranger: toodles.
You have disconnected.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Mars Men Are Uneasy



Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: rabbits?
Stranger: nihao
You: hello!
Stranger: nihao
You: japan?
Stranger: korean
Stranger: I am from mars
You: that is good :)
Stranger: where are u from
You: venus!
Stranger: oh yeah
You: what a good match!
Stranger: earth is dangerous place
You: terrifying
Stranger: let us go gack to mars
You: any time
You: your spaceship or mine?
Stranger: I was lost in asia ~
Stranger: where are u?
You: the US
You: so strange
You: so shiny
Stranger: oh my spaceship is fast enough
You: good to hear
Stranger: I'll get u a min later
You: ok
Stranger: by the way ~u are female or male?
You: female, last time I checked
Stranger: I'll get sth ready for u
You: sounds like a plan
You: I'll be wearing purple
Stranger: oh~
Stranger: better than wear nothing
You: well, I need something to deflect the solar rays
Stranger: I think mars~is not suitable for us two
Stranger: how about venus~?
Stranger: it is a romantic planet
You: well there are very many other women there
Stranger: better than anywhere else
Stranger: yeah~
You: but mostly they are ugly
You: so it's a toss up
Stranger: that's what I mean
Stranger: I like beatiful girl
Stranger: olala
You: ahhh, me too!
Stranger: ......
Stranger: lesbian
Stranger: oh jesus
You: only in the winter
Stranger: forgive me
You: but of course
Stranger: I'll change my partner
You: you have perfect manners
Stranger: what should I say ~thank you
You: you are welcome!
Stranger: any way ~ I like u in last min~
You: I like you too, but who is your new partner?
Stranger: so I 'll take u to leave this planet~whether u r les or not
You: that is good
You: I can not stand it here much longer
Stranger: U can take your girlfriend
You: that is good!
You: she is quite ripe
Stranger: oh ~really
You: yes
Stranger: u can also take some more hot chicks
You: we'll have to
You: the ones on venus are so very ugly
You: we will have to start from scratch
Stranger: I think we can get there safely
You: good
You: how long will it take?
Stranger: hang on~
You: ok
Stranger: how old are u?baby
You: 27 in venus years
Stranger: I forget to ask u this
You: but I don't know how that converts
Stranger: this is a big factor in our plan to vensus
You: the math here is difficult
Stranger: so~ forget it
You: I will
You: what is mars like?
Stranger: oh beatifuplace
Stranger: I'll bet
You: you have never been?
You: but I thought you were from mars?
Stranger: u never sees such beautiful planet before
Stranger: yeap
Stranger: mars is my hometown
You: you are lucky then
Stranger: your hometown is earth?
Stranger: what a shame~
You: no, venus
Stranger: sigh
You: earth is ugly
You: not enough gasses
You: too much dirt
Stranger: oh~?You can discribe how vesus like
You: many clouds
You: no plants
You: no dirt
Stranger: Is there any sorts for us to visit?
You: there is a city there where I lived
Stranger: en hm
You: it was very cold, but pretty
You: the houses were made of ice
Stranger: I think u must be a very beatiful female vesusian
You: I miss it
You: thank you :)
Stranger: in mars we human are very tough
You: yes?
Stranger: we must couter against the human from earth
You: yes, the humans are not kind
Stranger: there are more and more human from earth wanna to get to mars
Stranger: sigh
You: yes, it makes me sad too
Stranger: by the way ~what city are u now~ I'll setup my gps
You: ok
You: I am in Chicago, Illinois
Stranger: oh~ rather big city
You: yes...very many humans
You: what does your ship look like?
You: so that I may know when I see it
Stranger: some stuff like~eh....
Stranger: a condom?
You: hmmmm...I do not know that word :(
Stranger: ~:)
You: ahhhh, ok
Stranger: sigh~
You: I will be waiting! :)
You: good bye!
You have disconnected.

And What About that Bike I Asked for When I Was 10?



You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Hi
You: mello!
You: hello!
You: rather
You: dunno where that m came from
Stranger: do you likes Hitler?
Stranger: the mizeravao
You: not especially
Stranger: why not?
You: never knew the guy
You: died long before I was born
You: born
You: it's like asking, do you like Jesus?
You: how should I know?
Stranger: i hate he
You: Jesus?
You: well, you're entitled to your opinion
Stranger: no, your father
Stranger: kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
You: Jesus is my father!
You: how dare you!
Stranger: hoho and im the father noel
You: nice to meet you father noel
You: now let's get to all of those ponies you never brought me
Stranger: do you like she?
You: ponies? love 'em
Stranger: are you gay?
You: not gay
Stranger: why not?
Stranger: that's good
You: don't like women that much
Stranger: i hate , i finish our relachionchip
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Using Your Imagination Can Be Dangerous!



Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: talk to me?
You: ok
You: about what?
Stranger: thanks
Stranger: hold me?
You: ok
Stranger: thanks
You: *holds*
Stranger: comfort me?
You: ok
Stranger: thanks
You: *comforts*
Stranger: *steals all your money*
You: *cries*
You: *but would do it again*
Stranger: *steals all your stuff*
You: *gives it willingly*
Stranger: *clogs your toillet and lets it over flow*
You: *fixes toilet*
Stranger: have any pets?
You: Yes
Stranger: what
You: Ferret, Bird, Cat
Stranger: not anymore
Stranger: *steals pets*
You: *smiles*
You: *thinks, 'no more smell'*
Stranger: *puts pets in blender, makes pet shake, sells pet shake to children*
You: *thinks... 'oh well'*
You: *then cries some more*
Stranger: are you a guy or gal?
You: girl
You: u?
Stranger: really?
You: yes
Stranger: i was expecting guy
You: haha why?
Stranger: then i would say not anymore
Stranger: and so forth
You: ahh
Stranger: yeah
You: sorry :o(
Stranger: doesnt work so well with women
You: True...
Stranger: hmmm
Stranger: that threw me off
Stranger: got a car?
You: Yes
Stranger: not anymore
Stranger: *slashes tires and puts sugar inthe gas tank*
You: *says, "eh, I don't like 2 drive"*
Stranger: so where do you live?
You: US
Stranger: which state?
You: NY
Stranger: not anymore
You: U steal my state?
Stranger: *kidnaps you, takes you to detroit, leaves you in shitty area*
You: *says, oh I can get white castles*
Stranger: *poisons ny water supply*
You: *says 'eh, I drink bottled*
Stranger: do you live in the city
You: No
Stranger: aw damn
Stranger: not anymore
You: ...
Stranger: *takes you to city and leaves you in times square*
You: *calls friend who works for NYPD*
Stranger: not anymore
Stranger: *destroys all communication technology*
Stranger: that one sucked....
You: yeah
You: its ok...
Stranger: ...
Stranger: no its not
You: yeah
You: it was bad
Stranger: ...
You: But I woulda called a cab
Stranger: ...
You: *hails cab*
Stranger: not anymore
Stranger: *uses ninja sword and cuts off your arms*
You: *doesnt use arms to hail*
Stranger: oh your a girl
Stranger: you can use your legs
You: *whistles*
Stranger: ill let you take the cab
You: lol
Stranger: but how can you pay fo rit
Stranger: i stole all your money
You: I'm a girl
Stranger: damn thats true
You: *uses imagination*
Stranger: you just have to flirt a little and you get everything you want for free
You: sometimes
Stranger: CAREFUL! using your imagination can be fangerous
Stranger: dangerous
You: indeed...
You: apparently yours is haha
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Pedantry Isn't Fun? I Beg to Differ!



You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: I saw the sign
You: and it opened up my eyes
Stranger: SHUT UP AND LISTEN.... I AM SANGER ZONVOLT, THE SWORD THAT VANQUISHES EVIL!
You: my word!
You: that is important news!
You: what must I do, oh vanquisher of evil?
Stranger: YOU MAY DIE
You: but...what if I don't?
Stranger: *Cleaves you* THERE IS NOTHING MY COLLOSAL BLADE CANNOT CUT!
You: I mean, may implies a pssibility, not a definite thing
You: I don't appear dead yet :(
Stranger: you're no fun
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Got Milk?



You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: hi
Stranger: got milk?
You: all the time
You: it does a body good
Stranger: this is great news
You: yes
Stranger: number 42 needs two pints - please deliver
You: ok
You: what percent?
Stranger: 1% she's a fat a momma
You: ok
You: no chocolate milk?
Stranger: no way she has to lose weight before she gets any of that. Sh is running the risk of a cardiac carrying that weight
You: chocolate milk is 1% these days
Stranger: well it won't taste good, that's craziness
You: lol
You: to her maybe
You: why buy the cow when u can get the milk for free
Stranger: everything tastes good to her. they need to staple her stomach
You: or her mouth
Stranger: her stomach from the mouth!
You: lol
You: poor lady
You: how much she weigh?
Stranger: yes but her old man - he's twice the fucking size!
Stranger: 360 pounds
You: sounds like they have a good sex life
You: hahah
Stranger: and they got an exercise dvd for christmas - "touch your toes" " touch em I ain't seen em for 15 years!"
You: who wants sausage, when all u got is bun?
Stranger: LOL
You: hahaahahaha
You: all u need is bun
You: haha
Stranger: bun is all you need
You: thats like 50 cents fat bitch song
You: sounds like its her anthem
Stranger: fiddy cent!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
 

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Just Like a Modern Romeo and Juliet



You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: no MORE WIRE HANGERS!
Stranger: BUT I HAVE WIRE CUTTERS!
You: good! Then our escape whould be easy
Stranger: :O
Stranger: becarfuly of the guards
Stranger: they rape lil children
You: they are large and gassy
Stranger: :O
You: and they stole my socks
Stranger: ohmy
You: I know
Stranger: :O
Stranger: BASTARDS
You: I KNOW!
You: but if you take the high road, and I take the low road
Stranger: sounds good :)
You: we can meet in the middle at that old georgia pine
You: then it's a plan!
Stranger: sounds good!
Stranger: that time?
You: no, the other time...
You: this one time
Stranger: alright
You: all wrong!
You: no no no!
You: this will never work
You: I THINK
You: I am not long
You: for this
You: world...
Stranger: be at peace friend
Stranger: be
Stranger: at
Stranger: peace
You: arg arg I'm dying you idiot!
Stranger: here, lettme help
Stranger: *pulls out G45 & puts a cap in your ass*
You: *fin*
You have disconnected.

Same Old Lang Syne

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: MARIO?
You: I am the Eradicator!
You: psssst...Luigi...is that you, man?
Stranger: My sould is not your
Stranger: Yes!
You: how's the princess doing?
You: I 'm sorry I had to cut and run, ya know
You: I just...I needed to get a new gig
Stranger: I cut off the princess
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Yummy!



Stranger: hi
You: hi
Stranger: nice to meet u
You: nice to meet you too!
Stranger: this is Yummy from China
You: Yummy?
Stranger: do you always here?
Stranger: yes,that's my name
You: Why do they call you yummy?
Stranger: because I like yummy food
Stranger: where are you from?
You: What yummy food?
You: US
Stranger: Chinese food
You: It is Yummy
You: :op
Stranger: what does "op" mean?
You: :p
Stranger: sorry,my English is poor
You: its ok
You: at least you are Yummy
You: haha
Stranger: haha
You: Yum Yum Gimme Some!
Stranger: what‘s your name?
You: CoCoa
You: Like the puffs
Stranger: what do you mean?
Stranger: cocoa?
You: The cereal
You: CoCoa Puffs
Stranger: I would like to eat
You: Then I would be yummy!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

DUDE...?


Stranger: GREETINGS TRAVELER!
You: GREETINGS TO YOU!
Stranger: YEAH!!
You: so...
Stranger: what amazing things are going on 2nite?!?!@
You: NOTHING!
You: Im talking to u!
You: lol
Stranger: no way
You: U seem exciting!
Stranger: are you a chick?
You: yes
You: u?
Stranger: i thought so
Stranger: lol
Stranger: nope i'm a dude
You: sad
You: i thought u were a man
You: ur just a dude
You: lol
Stranger: i'm THE DUDE!
You: THE DUDE?
You: Whats that entail?
Stranger: the big lebowski?
You: SO you were in the big lebowski?
Stranger: oh yeah i am the big lebowski!
You: wow!
Stranger: it's a true story based on me
You: no wonder you are THE DUDE
Stranger: the motha fucking P i M P!
Stranger: yeah doooode!
You: OMG YOUR 50 NOW!
Stranger: only on the outside
You: so you arent a P i M P
You: :o(
You: You are just THE DUDE
Stranger: THE PIMP DUDE
Stranger: yeahhhhhhhh
You: wowza
You: amazing
You: im in awe of ur DUDE-tasticness
Stranger: you should be
You: yeah... one question
You: DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Better than Oprah



You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: Good day
Stranger: kind sir
You: salutations!
You: though I am not a sir
Stranger: thats a weird word if you think about it long enough
You: I feel slightly offended
You: which one?
Stranger: sorry.. i just got a guy 'vibe'
Stranger: salutations
You: no problem, just kidding with you
You: true, true
Stranger: me too, i didnt really feel a 'vibe;
Stranger: thats for hippies
You: good point!
Stranger: fo shiz
Stranger: i'm also gangster
Stranger: im a gangster hippie
You: good to know
Stranger: yup
You: I am a werewolf pirate meself
Stranger: woah
Stranger: thats badass
You: it's a hard life
Stranger: no way, sounds awesome
You: trying to sail a ship alone is a pain in the ass
Stranger: you'd make the best villain
Stranger: why don't you get some slaves?
You: I eat them all :(
Stranger: put an add in craigslist
Stranger: oh dear
You: yeah, I just can't find enough takers
Stranger: ROBOTS
Stranger: robots
Stranger: thats your solution
Stranger: you wouldnt eat metal would you?
You: now there's a great idea!
You: I had not considered it
You: the best thing I had come up with was garden gnomes
Stranger: I should be a life coach i think
You: because they taste bad
You: I'd say you'd be great at it
Stranger: yeah?
You: yeah!
Stranger: thanks :)
You: I mean, I was considering giving up the sea
You: but now, you've given me hope
Stranger: wow, i'm glad I helped
You: yeah, totally
Stranger: Are you having any more problems? I'm feeling confident now
You: hey, if I ever run into you in real life, mention this convo and I promise I won't eat you
You: hmmmm....well, my love life's been suffering
You: all this hair
You: nt too many guys dig hairy chicks
Stranger: for sure! and it wouldn't be hard to pick you out of a crowed. hmm love life
Stranger: crowd*
Stranger: Have you tried waxing?
You: I can't afford it...like I said, the pirate thing hasn't been working out :(
Stranger: Or you could put an ad in the personals
You: true, true
Stranger: maybe there is a guy out there that was a hair fetish1
Stranger: !
You: you think? That would be perfect!
Stranger: He'd find it kinky
Stranger: Yeah!
You: mmmm, well it i kinky
You: curly almost....
Stranger: It would be like permanent role play
You: true
Stranger: I think you should give it a try!
Stranger: even post some on the internet
You: "hairy chick looking for kicks"
Stranger: if being a pirate falls through i think you'd have a chance as a porn star
You: bow chicka bow wow
You: that's the title of the first one
Stranger: maybe play a female chewbacca in a Starwars porno remake
You: good call
You: I could steal princess leia's bikini
Stranger: This is a career made for you, seirousky
You: see, you're an awesome life coach
Stranger: what can i say
Stranger: gangster hippies make good life coachs
You: apparantly!
You: been through it all, I suppose
You: that helps
Stranger: we have the aggressive side but also the more soft ad understanding side
Stranger: true true
You: the bling and the patchouli
Stranger: i got shot 7 times
Stranger: because i was putting flowers in the popos gun
You: ouch!
You: all in the same place?
Stranger: yeah man
Stranger: left a hole in my chest the size of a tennis ball
You: that is hard core
You: but a good place to hide the bong
Stranger: yeah but, i was really sensitive afterwards and did a lot of drugs
Stranger: oh wow! i never thought about that
Stranger: how handy
You: whatever you need to do to get by
Stranger: i gotta tell my bros
You: that's how I'll know ya
Stranger: yeah people dont understand how hard it is living the gangster hippie life style
You: the hippie with the blinged bong in his/ner chest
Stranger: we're always contradicting ourselves
Stranger: totally
Stranger: and ill be wearing baggy low rise jeans, but with flower patches on them
Stranger: gotta represent
You: sweet
You: well, nice chatting
You: I gotta go find me a directoy
Stranger: you too bro
You: director
Stranger: yeah!
Stranger: i can see you going places
You have disconnected.

Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?


Stranger: Hey SexXy Stranger (;
You: Hey
Stranger: watsup?
You: How do you know I am sexy?
Stranger: i dont...
You: Have you been listening to Rod Stewart?
Stranger: Lol no...no i havent
You: Thats a good song
Stranger: is it?
You: But I don't think he is sexy
Stranger: Oh...
Stranger: i havent seen him before O_o
You: Good thing
Stranger: lol i guess :O
You: He's small
You: and old now
Stranger: lol, ah.
You: and he used to wear spandex, then tight jeans later
Stranger: So, watcha up to?
Stranger: EW.
You: Listening to Disco
Stranger: Sweetness.
You: Rod Stewart is on
You: ha ha ha
Stranger: niiiiiiice :p
You: Yes
Stranger: well, how old are you..?.......if you dont mind me asking..
You: 27
Stranger: srsly?
You: yes
You: is that old?
Stranger: rly?
You: I guess you don't think I'm sexy haha
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

We are talking about Miroslav Satan, right?

Stranger: I love Satan he loves me and is my savior
You: Thats nice
You: He's a great athlete too...
You: I mean, w/o Satan, the league wouldn't be the same!!!
You: Hell would freeze over!!!
Stranger: yes
You: Satan is the man
You: Too bad the Pens didn't like him and sent him down... but now Satan is back for playoffs!
You: I suppose its hard to fit in with a new team, when you are Satan
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

BOO!!!

You: BOO!!!
Stranger: AHHH!
Stranger: im scared
You: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Stranger: huh huh huh huh
You: I'm sorry :o(
Stranger: were you hiding in my mpants?
You: If I were, then I'd be scared
You: :op
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

What Are the Chances?

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: HI!
You: Snoop DOG?
Stranger: yizzle
You: I've been hoping to run across him
You: SWEET!
You: I just spoke to Coolio
Stranger: thats mah cuz naw meen?
You: he's in holland now, you know
Stranger: really?
You: that's what he said
Stranger: nice
You: smoking a big ol' blunt, I'll bet
Stranger: who are yoizzle?
You: the US
You: oh, who
You: sorry
You: I am of little consequence
You: and even littler reading skillz
Stranger: saw good dawg
You: yes, most people these days have never heard of my books
You: been dead lo these many centuries
You: and no one to keep up my PR
Stranger: i wrote the bible nigga
You: yes, so I've heard
Stranger: snoop is peacin
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

When Did He Move to Holland?


You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: dying...
Stranger: hi \!
Stranger: ftom?
You: of boredom....
You: US
Stranger: ohno
Stranger: !
You: you?
You: I know
Stranger: i have to save you
Stranger: !
You: it hurts
Stranger: holland
Stranger: omygosh
You: bordome is like a millon gnomes chewing my intestines
Stranger: i'll be by your side
You: thank goodness someone will
Stranger: haha
Stranger: from?
You: everyone else has abandoned me except fro the harpies I work with
You: the US
Stranger: haaahaa
You: wait, didn't we just do that?
You: the where you from thing?
You: I am so confused
Stranger: haha
Stranger: jes
Stranger: we did
Stranger: i've lost my brains
You: oh, no! Not good!
You: but it is a cure to boredom, isn't it?
You: no brains, no boredom
You: an elegant solution really
You: I have a stapler, a pair of scissors, and a handfull of paperclips
You: that should be enough to successfully remove my brain
Stranger: :P
Stranger: you're funny
Stranger: x"D
You: boredome does funny things to a person....
Stranger: haha
Stranger: name?
You: Pathetic Cubicle Minion
Stranger: wow
Stranger: cool name
You: that's my title, really
Stranger: ohkeey
You: they haven't assigned me a name yet
You: your name?
Stranger: coolio
You: you're a rapper, then?
Stranger: jes
You: hook me up with some good chronic, please
Stranger: i know how to entertain
You: so I've heard
Stranger: now, i'm tired, big day you konw.
Stranger: know
You: aww, too bad
You: you're the first celeb I've met here
Stranger: haha
Stranger: i'm honord
Stranger: by
Stranger: ?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Apples to Oranges

You: yes?
Stranger: do you like apples?
You: eh they're ok
You: oranges are better
Stranger: really?
You: yup
You: swear to god
Stranger: you shouldnt. he might not like it
You: well, he'll have to deal
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Aussie Offends!

Stranger: I'm required by Australian Law to inform you that I am a former sex offender
Stranger: hows it going?
You: im offended
You: lol
Stranger: fair enough
Stranger: :P
You: You've violated it
You: lol
Stranger: well i do try
Stranger: ;P
You: Figures haha, u guys always re-offend
Stranger: hey hey
Stranger: who you calling guy?
You: recidivism rates are high
Stranger: FEMALE sex offender tyvm
You: even more offensive lol
Stranger: how so?
Stranger: *interested expression*
You: Because ur few and far
Stranger: far?
You: Mary K Letourneau
You: hahaha
Stranger: Mary K?
You: she's a sex offender that married her student
You: waaaaaaaaaaaay later
Stranger: ooooh scandalous
You: theyre still married
You: haha
Stranger: well, thats just sweet
You: yes
You: She gets to offend him for the rest of his life
Stranger: well this wasnt as terrifying for you as i would have liked, im off to try my one liners elsewhere
Stranger: :D
Stranger: nice to meet you
Stranger: LOL
You: yes
You: bye!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Blue Period...

Stranger: hhi
You: hiiiiiiiiii
Stranger: picasso
Stranger: ?
You: pablo?
Stranger: loser?
You: im going thru a blue period now :o(
Stranger: okee

oooh...

Stranger: wil je met me geilen
You: ?
Stranger: (do you want to f*** me)
You: oooh
You: how do u say yes?
Stranger: ja
You: ooooh
You: how do you say no?
Stranger: nee
You: oooh
You: how do you say maybe?
Stranger: im horny>>
You: thats maybe?
You: horny, like a unicorn?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

ARABIA!

Stranger: ARABIA
You: Lawrence
Stranger: ARABIA
You: Saudia
Stranger: ARABIA
You: Beans
Stranger: ARABIA
You: Carpet
Stranger: LAMP
Stranger: I <3 LAMP
You: shade
Stranger: NO
Stranger: YOU RUINED IT
You: :o(
Stranger: F*** YOU
You: I Light The Lamp
Stranger: YOU RUINER
You: :o(
Stranger: I HATE YOU
You: :'o(
Stranger: YOU CANT BE FROM ARABIA
You: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Do I *Dazzle* You?

Stranger: do i *dazzle* you?
You: *dazzled*
Stranger: o rly?
You: yes
Stranger: well that was easy.
You: it was
You: are u always this easy?
Stranger: always.
You: THANK GOD
You: :op

Monday, April 20, 2009

What's On Tap?

You: What's on tap?
Stranger: Didn't know I had to be a bartender today.
Stranger: COCKS!
Stranger: Now that that's out of the way, hi.
Stranger: What Else Is On tap?
You: yeah
You: hahhahaha
Stranger: Erm...
You: :-p
You: u see
Stranger: Lessee.
You: lol
Stranger: Ah, well.
You: then it would be perfect
You: hahha
Stranger: We don't have any COCKS on tap today.
Stranger: We do have Newcastle.
You: lol
You: damn
Stranger: And Guiness.
You: i coulda used the taste of COCKS
You: it really helps u after a long hard day
Stranger: We ran out of COCKS a while ago. It's very popular.
You: good ole COCKS
Stranger: Yep.
You: sad
Stranger: Try again tomorrow, maybe we'll restock.
You: ahh ok ;)
You: U know what goes good with COCKS?
Stranger: What?
You: Fish Fry!
You: HA HA HA
Stranger: Fish and COCKS. Makes sense, I guess.
You: Indeed
You: Tastes great all 2gether
Stranger: Can't say I've tried it, but I'll add it to the menu.
Stranger: *walks into the back room... never to be seen again.*

Oh Crap, I Hope This Doesn't Kill Him....

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Stranger: im lookin for a chic to hit on
Stranger: noting serious
You: don't be hitting me
You: domestic violence is not cool
Stranger: ....O_o
Stranger: ur rite
You: yeah, I'm a jackass like that
Stranger: but i mean flirt with
You: I know
Stranger: it's all goood
You: lol, good
Stranger: r u a girl?
You: now that I know you have a sense of humor, contimue with the perversion!
You: yes, I am
You: though I prefer the term hussy
Stranger: do u want me to be really perverted
Stranger: cuz i can be
You: well, if you get really perverted, I'm gonna yell "COCKS" and disconnect
You: just how I do things is all
Stranger: okay... i wont cross the line
Stranger: i hope
You: ok, shoot, then!
Stranger: so, how u doin
Stranger: clothes or no
You: I am doing swell
You: clothes yes
Stranger: do u want me to take em off
You: yours or mine?
Stranger: whichever you want
You: um, yours, IF you're wearing something fun underneath
Stranger: oh yeah
You: is it...women's underwear?
Stranger: ...no?
You: cause that is totally a turn on
Stranger: how bout u
Stranger: then yes
You: I'm wearing women's underwear
Stranger: how bout you pull em down
Stranger: nice and slow
You: well, if I do that, they'll get stuck in my trosers
You: truosers*
You: jesus christ, I cannot type
Stranger: lol
You: I hope that doesn't wreck it for you
Stranger: oh no
You: I know some people can't get it on with idiots
Stranger: i prefer it
You: good! then we are a perfect match
Stranger: they give up common sense
Stranger: for sex sskills
Stranger: or so ive heard
You: well, assuming they are not parapalegic
You: then there would not be many skillz
You: sex or otherwise
Stranger: ohhhh yyeeaahh
You: like, I would totally not do stephen hawking
You: big brain or not
Stranger: i just puked in my mouth
You: so if I just type sex real slow, would that be good?
You: like
You: SSSSSEEEEEEEXXXXXX
Stranger: im really hard now
You: no hard questions
You: I told you I'm not very smart
Stranger: i just wanna get all over u
You: Mann U?
Stranger: ?
You: that's the only U I like
Stranger: ?
Stranger: im not that smart either
You: eh, well, that's fine
You: anyway, ask the hard question, I'll do my best
You: oh, and SSSSSEEEEEXXXXXX
Stranger: ready for you question
Stranger: about SSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEXXXXX
You: ok, ready
You: yyyyyyeeeeeeeSSSSSSS!!!!!!
You: wait, am I asking or are you?
You: I'm confused :(
Stranger: if i stick my **** in your **** 158 times, 48 times missionary, 52 doggystyle and 56 times standing, how many other thrusts can i make
You: well, it depends on the velocity and the angle of the vectors, really
Stranger: good
Stranger: now...
You: you are stephen hawking, aren't you?
You: jesus christ, not again!
You have disconnected.

Ill Hawking Rushed to Hospital

Do You Know The Way 2 San Jose?

You: Do You Know The Way 2 San Jose?
Stranger: left
Stranger: then right
You: thanx
Stranger: no problemo
You: is that it?
Stranger: well
You: You are better than the stupid navigation!
Stranger: you might encounter a giant hole in the earth so there might be a minor detour
Stranger: thats what i've been told!
Stranger: :)
You: phew
You: I don't want to make a journey to the centre of the earth!
Stranger: yeah that'd be bad
You: i dont need a flat tire
Stranger: driving out of the earth wouldn't be any fun with flat tires!
You: true
You: Who knew San Jose would be so difficult?
Stranger: psh, i don't think anyone did
You: it is near techtonic plates
You: so i can see why there is a hole
Stranger: yep
Stranger: pretty intense area if you ask me
You: indeed
You: really shakes up a person!
Stranger: be sure to leave the kids at home
You: I will
You: But they live in San Jose
You: hahaha
Stranger: oh shit!'
Stranger: haha
You: thats why i need to get there
You: hahaha
Stranger: well
Stranger: hopefully they know how to not fall into that giant hole.
You: Otherwise I'll have to call AAA
You: and can u imagine that service fee :o/
Stranger: yeah i think they raised it to like a trillion dollars
You: especially since its the centre of the earth
You: oh well, here goes nothing!
Stranger: haha good luck
You: Thanx 4 the directions!
Stranger: np!
You: Bye!
Stranger: bye!!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

I KANT Help Myself!!!

Stranger: ok i have to go read heidegger
Stranger: LOL
Stranger: not even kidding
You: 0 :o)
Stranger: soo boring
You: really?
Stranger: well
You: im guessing college?
Stranger: the book is called "being and time"
Stranger: eys
You: eew
You: philo?
Stranger: yep
You: double ew
Stranger: INTRO TO GERMAN PHILOSOPHY
Stranger: so hard
You: triple
You: hahaha
You: Ubermensche
You: hahha
Stranger: yea!
Stranger: u got it
Stranger: nietzsche is difficult
Stranger: never says what he means
You: Nietzsche the bastard
You: lol
Stranger: yea
Stranger: i like kant
You: and writes run ons
You: hahaha
Stranger: but sometimes i kant understand him!!!!!!!
You: LOL!
Stranger: i'm killing myself
You: bad joke
Stranger: too good
You: hahahaha
Stranger: too good
You: ur funnnnnny
Stranger: thx
Stranger: sometimes the KANTcepts are too difficult!!
Stranger: sometimes i eat KANTelope!!!!
You: lol
You: ok
Stranger: sometimes i read IMMANUEL KANT
You: now ur like austin powers
Stranger: get it
You: hahahaha
Stranger: that was the anitpun
Stranger: keep up
You: i am
Stranger: lol
You: lol
Stranger: good
You: hahaha
You: u beat kant with a stick
You: hahaha
Stranger: yea!
Stranger: ok i gotta go
Stranger: rly
Stranger: answer some big questions
You: its a plato philosophy
Stranger: haahaahahaha
You: hahaha
Stranger: funny!
You: nah
Stranger: you're good
You: lol
Stranger: i kan't wait to speak again, never
Stranger: sorry
Stranger: lol
You: LOL
Stranger: bye

Saturday, April 18, 2009

That was the best grammar I've ever had...

Stranger: Hey
You: ?
Stranger: !
You: ...
Stranger: ;;;;
You: :::
Stranger: Semicolons are sexier
You: they are
You: --- are hot
Stranger: ++++
Stranger: They're hot too but I wish they had more curves
You: \\\\\\\\\\\\\
You: {{{{{{{{{{
Stranger: God, I love it when you talk dirty to me
You: }}}}}}}}}}}}
You: Sexxxxxxxxy
Stranger: Ooo, like that baby!
You: ===========
Stranger: Dayum!
You: that hot enough for u?
Stranger: *swwons*
You: ****************
Stranger: *swoons
Stranger: I think I'm goING TO CUM
You: ^^^ like my carrot?
Stranger: Yes
Stranger: Oh fuck yes
You: ###
You: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stranger: Oh oh oh oh oh... almost there
You: <><><><>
Stranger: Ah fuck, I'm coming
You: ((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))
Stranger: OH FUCK YES!
Stranger: I came
You: [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
Stranger: Damn, you want seconds?
Stranger: Kinky bitch
You: all over the semi colons
You: ;;;;
Stranger: Damn, you know what I like
You: yea ;o)
You: Im all about the punctuation
Stranger: Talk commas to me
You: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Stranger: Whew, I need a cold shower
You: ;o)
You: and a cigarette ;o)
Stranger: I love it when you mix them up, baby
You: ;,'`
Stranger: %)*
You: !@#$%^&*()
You: Dirrrrrrrrrrty
Stranger: Aw shit, you found my spot
You: i can do it in reverse
You: )(*&^%$#@!
Stranger: Aren't you talented?
Stranger: Show me what you can do with your #
You: yes
You: ##### #### ### ## #
Stranger: Nice rhythm
You: yeah
You: longer, then short
You: it means its fasssssssssst
Stranger: Mhmmm
Stranger: Well, don't stop
Stranger: Go all out on me, baby
You: <><><>####%%%%&&&&*@*@#%!^&$%@&#*($
Stranger: I think I'm going to cum again
You: ))))((((((*****$$$$$???//...!!!!@)@)@)@)#(#(#($*$$$&%^$^#
You: ----____------________-------__________________-----
Stranger: unf unf unf unf
Stranger: oh oh oh oh oh
Stranger: fuck fuck fuck I'm cumming
You: ( * )( * )
You: all over the *************
Stranger: Can I play with those?
You: play with my ***
Stranger: Oh yeah, I like it like that
Stranger: I'm touching my ^&$
You: touch my *()#*^%^#* hard
Stranger: Oh yes!
Stranger: It feels so hard baby
You: &*$($)#@) likes it rough
Stranger: My &$*#)(#()(!@@#@#@ needs to be rubbed
You: ($%^#*@)$*&)$* rub it fassssssssssst
Stranger: Goddamn
Stranger: :"{")_)@_@((@@@(#$_$)$)$_$_$_$
You: (&$(":$$??!!(*(*(*(*$&&$&$&$#@)~~~~~~~~~
You: oh *$^@( YEAH
Stranger: ):!@@#@#@#@#@@#@@#>>:@#@#@#@
Stranger: Fuck yes
You: hurt my lil ((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))
Stranger: You're a bad !!!&!&!&!!!&!&!&!&!!&&!!&&!!&!
You: SPANK MY LIL @$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Stranger: Yeah, I will
Stranger: *#*#**#*#)@)@)@)@@
Stranger: Like that?
You: OH YEAH!!!!
Stranger: \{[{\[\{{{:;:;\[
Stranger: There's so more
You: &*#*$^*^$*#@(@(#&$$$$$))))@":":"{}{}{}{
Stranger: Take it
Stranger: Aw shit
You: {{{{{{}}}}}}
Stranger: @_@
You: >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<__________
Stranger: Meh toes are curlin'
You: .,.,,<<<>>>
You: ****************++++++++++===============
Stranger: :p:'{{
Stranger: ------_-__-_-______---
Stranger: How'd you get so good at this?
You: --!!~~~~~~~~~~~~
You: My english teacher taught me
Stranger: You win
You: taught me where to stick it!
You: thank u :)
Stranger: At the end of a sentence?
You: yea
You: !
Stranger: That's where I like it baby!!!!@!!!!
You: YEA
Stranger: Damn, was I that good?
Stranger: You were out for a minute
You: better than all the rest
You: u knocked my !
Stranger: O.O You've been cheating on me?
You: ur my last
Stranger: Okay
Stranger: That's fine
You: i aint neva gonna find another
Stranger: Lmao
You: i want your $#@*$^$^*@ all the time
Stranger: That was the best grammar I've ever had
You: Yeah... u really know how to use it
Stranger: Thanks. I've had a lot of practice
You: i can tell
You: ;o)
Stranger: I used to be an English major
You: well that was majorly good
You: u deserve an award

First Kiss...

Stranger: HALLO THIS IS ARTHUR KIRKLAND, IS ALFRED F. JONES THERE? HE STOLE MY FIRST KISS, THAT DOLT.
You: BASTARD!
Stranger: D8< INDEED.
You: THAT JERK
You: U NEED TO GET IT BACK!
Stranger: I KNOW! >8 I NEED TO TALK TO HIM.
You: U SHOULD CALL HIM!
You: NOW!
Stranger: GOOD IDEA!
Stranger: I WILL.
You: YEAH!
You: TELL HIM HOW U FEEL!
Stranger: Thank you for the advice.
You: anytime
You: :o)

Where's my beads?

Stranger: *flashes boobs*
You: *flashes em back*
You: lol
You: woooooooo!
You: Where's my beads?
Stranger: huh
You: u flash, u get beads
You: MARDI GRAS!?
Stranger: ...........................
You: sheesh
You: listen, u dont flash, unless u get some
You: !!!
Stranger: hmm

Finnish Sushi!

Stranger: NINJAHELLo
You: samurai helllllo
Stranger: oot suomesta?
You: *bows*
Stranger: i eated my sensei
You: no, not from finland
You: :o(
Stranger: ate*
Stranger: OLET SUOMESTA PERKELE
You: ahhh
Stranger: truu ninjat on suomesta
You: was he good?
Stranger: no way
You: so u didnt finish?
You: or shall i say finnish ?
You: he he he
Stranger: HEHEHE